*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
You Might Also Like
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
a god among men
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire