My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
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Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
(True)
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it