I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
You Might Also Like
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies