Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
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me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”