Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
You Might Also Like
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?