I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
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The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Is your wife single?
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.