My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
You Might Also Like
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.