Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
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Trumpy Cat
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok