What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
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Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.