I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
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My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
*mops up wine with cat*
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.