ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
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Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I’ve been drinking.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”