Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
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if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Oh, I bet you would be
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer: