Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
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DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Where’s my employee discount too?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit