Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this