Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Dance like you’re not the father
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.