Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
You Might Also Like
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Cake!!
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends