Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
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My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.