can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
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Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs