People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
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Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Hmm, not sure about this change
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )