There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
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Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it