Shower sex be like:
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If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*