[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
You Might Also Like
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout