thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
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Grandmother clock.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.