You Might Also Like
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days