guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
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ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.