me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
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ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
They say women only use 10% of their anger
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it