As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
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I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.