The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
You Might Also Like
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Does beer think about me too?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.