*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
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Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl