“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
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I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.