[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
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Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]