got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
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They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Name this drama.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
bias laundering edition
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.