My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
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One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders