i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I enjoy a good short stor
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.