If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
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Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?