[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
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[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I’m not wrong
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
This cat wants you to take your pills
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair