If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
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ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Pandas 🐼🖤
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.