me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
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think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
How long do you have to wait between naps?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress