Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
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I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
🤣✨#caturday
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
oh you like architecture? name three walls
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries