My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
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ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
english majors be like furthermore
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
🤣😂🤣
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??