Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”