Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
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BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.