Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.