What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“