Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
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*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
the red hot silly peppers
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately