Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
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{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Livid.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Vodka burrito was a success
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
notice
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?