Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
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I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
dictator is short for richard potato
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.