Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
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(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
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