I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
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Is this a threat?
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
dads on road-trips be like
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
first you must answer his riddles
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.