Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
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I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Muppet Screams
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work